Today I have diagnosed myself as clinically depressed. FUCK! So, I had my ultrasound...NO folicles, not one folicle. I am so pissed that I take all this medicine and feel like shit for the majority of the month and there are NO results. I am suppose to go back in on Friday to see if maybe they were late bloomers. You know I really try and have a positive attitude but this week just sucked. And, I do not think there will be anything to see on Friday. No insemination this month.
So, I started gathering my IVF information. I tried to talk to Keith about it yesterday and we got into an argument about the cost and the effectiveness of IVF. His major concern is that with my BMI the chances of IVF working are even lower. I lost my mind because I did not want to admit that being FAT was part of my issue. After going to bed and crying because "he just did not get it", I came to the realization that really he is right. It is not that I was in denial that my weight had an effect, It was more that I thought I should still be able to get pregnant because lot of other fat people get pregnant. ( I mean come on, on that show "I did not know I was pregnant" most of those women are obese.) However, that is obviously not my case.
I don't know where I will go from here, I;m feeling a little stuck and stupid (stupid for not being able to get pregnant becasue I am OBESE, and because I do not have the commitment to loose the weight even though I KNOW it is an problem). So, again my final thought is FUCK!
**P.S. To all my people, do not worry I am not suicidal, and you do not need to call and check up on me. I just needed an outlet to throw up the weight on my shoulders this morning. This seemed like a good enough place. Sorry, if it was too much info - but, you will survive!
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ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your appointment didn't go well. I'm also sorry you are feeling down, too. Try not to get down on yourself. Weight might be part of the problem but it might not be part of the problem. My boss has been trying to get pregnant for years, did IVF a few times and still nothing. She is super duper fit - I'd kill for her body. And like you said, there are shows like "I didn't know I was pregnant" and "Obese and pregnant" so you know its possible regardless of weight. Don't get hard on yourself for something you don't know for a fact is true. I know you are probably searching for an answer to WHY its taking so long but don't be so hard on yourself. I hope you get better news on Friday. Can you try IVF if you don't have follicles again? I'm not sure how that works..
I think life sucks, and it's not fair, and you deserve to be pregnant!!
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